My 15 minutes

I was included in an article about local crafts in the Des Moines Register today.

http://www.desmoinesregister.com/article/20110821/LIFE/308210009/Handmade-Iowa-creative-household


I have mixed feelings about it. Besides the horrendous personal photo, I think I would be ok with it :)
My sister took my picture at the last minute. I had just got back from the farmer's market. I was really hot and tired.  I have crazy eyes. 
Then I made a dorky comment about wanting to be married to someone from Duran Duran when I was younger.  It's true.  I loved Andy Taylor. I was going to be the hottest painter in London, living in a loft, married to Andy. We'd jet set to fabulous tropical locations with the rest of the band and their cool wives. I hope he reads this and I can tell him I'd still marry him. Just sayin...

So yea, the article was nice. I hope people read it and come the East Village Bazaar....and buy all my stuff.  I was really excited to be included. When I got the email asking me, I was so happy and excited and nervous.  What a great opportunity!

And then yes, of course I went the typical Jen route and immediately started doubting myself and comparing myself to the others included in the article.  They're all in brick and morter stores. Why can't I grow some cajones and go into a store and see if they'll carry my stuff?  Seriously, I can not think I can make this a full time deal if I can't get into a store!! But I'm so scared of the "no". And I also think I'm a little scared of "yes".

No means I suck and everyone who has ever bought anything is just pitying me (yes because that's what people do....spend money on things they hate just to be nice! don't you?)
Yes means this is real and I have no one to blame but myself if it fails. And so I guess I'm scared of being the failure.

I really wish I had more of an artist's typical ego.  I never would have made it in London with this crap attitude!

I'm very lucky to be included in the paper.  I'm very lucky to included in the East Village Bazaar. I'm very lucky so I'll just shuty and enjoy my 15 minutes....or less cuz I don't think my portion of the article was 15 minutes worth....unless you count that it's be in the paper all day and another paper doesn't come out until tomorrow morning...so maybe it's 24 hours.....

20 years later...still have issues...

This weekend was my 20th high school reunion. I hated high school.  and I couldn't tell you why.  I wasn't ridiculed (to my face at least), people weren't excessively mean to me. Yea, I was the "art freak" who hung out with the other weirdos.  I had a great group of friends. So looking back I wonder why I don't think of that time more fondly. Sure I couldn't beg a guy to look at me....but I made up for that in college (Hello!)

I think the reason I hated high school is for the same issue I deal with every day. I never feel like I'm good enough. I wasn't good enough to be "popular" or even dateable.  I always wanted to be something I wasn't. 

It's the same issue I deal with everyday. I don't feel good enough in my current life and especially in my art and business.
I constantly question myself and how I'll be perceived, how my art will be judged.  How ridiculously stupid.  I was good enough then and I'm good enough now.  My art is my own. I should want to do my art for myself and no one else.

At the risk of sounding like Stuart Smalley, I wish I realized that I'm pretty cool....I'm pretty kick ass. I wish I could walk into a room, any room, and remember that.